Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
