bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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