Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
