but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
