I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
