I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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