I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
