i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
