now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
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