i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
