On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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