I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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