Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
