i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
