You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize