i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
