Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
