My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
