he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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