god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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