If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
