Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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