Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
