if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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