I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
