Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
