She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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