So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
