I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Randomize
