I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
