We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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