So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
