this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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