I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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