he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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