When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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