Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
