tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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