margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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