I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
my liver is dry heaving
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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