I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
We had sex on a dog bed..
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
