dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
