My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
my god I love twenty year old dicks
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
