It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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