she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
