I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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