I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize