The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
