____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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