I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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