I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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