so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
