If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize