Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
