I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Drake has all the answers
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
