just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
