OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
it's not cheating when I paid for it
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
